Contrary to popular belief, State Patty’s Day sprang from the noblest intentions. It wasn’t about setting blood-alcohol content records, organizers said. It was about promoting community and school spirit. A St. Patrick’s Day that took place while Penn State students were on spring break was a community-and-school-spirit opportunity lost. Thus the new holiday.
True, since the inaugural State Patty’s Day in 2007, St. Patrick has waited until the students are safely back from Cancun and points south to appear on the calendar, which would appear to obviate the need for a second celebration dedicated to green beer and marathon pub crawls. But after three years, the State Patty’s tradition is woven far too deeply into the fabric of life in Happy Valley to disentangle, even if the spoil-sport bar owners have decided not to be enablers.
In fact, what’s needed are more adaptations of holidays that occur on dates when school’s out. Community-minded and school-spirited as I am, I herewith offer a few possibilities:
Stinko de Mayo: The perfect celebration for the last day of class. Crack open the Mexican imports and hit the taco bar.
Mummorial Day, or, if the students would rather drink Captain Morgan than champagne, Rumorial Day. (Editor’s Note: The writer of this column, who teaches journalism ethics, accepts no payola for product placement.): Memorial Day is the quintessential community holiday. As such, it doesn’t seem right that Penn State students should have to observe it in far-flung locations. Schedule a local version before the end of the spring semester and they can clink their plastic stemware, light the first charcoal briquettes and play the first softball games of the summer season right here.
In Depends Dance Day: Students would dance the night away while wearing adult diapers, which would solve the public urination problem that accompanies so many other local festivities. Oh, and as all true patriots do on the real Fourth of July, they would imbibe copious amounts of community spirit while launching rockets, a winning combination if ever there was one.
Wild Turkey Day (see Editor’s Note, above): Students can eat turkey with their families on the traditional Thanksgiving and then drink it with their friends on this day when they return for the last two weeks of the fall semester.
Vintner Solstice: Enough with the beer already. On this holiday, students can enhance their sense of community and school spirit by partaking of the fruit of the vine.
New Beers Eve: The key here is to lay off the Natty Light, Busch and Keystone and ring in the new drinking year with something a bit horizon-expanding, brewsky-wise. You know, a beer that in addition to being an alcohol delivery system, is actually palate-pleasing. All in the spirit of promoting community and school-spirit, of course.
That about does it for the well-known holidays. But I found some lesser-known occasions that take place during the academic year that could readily become local observances. As Dave Barry would say, I’m not making any of this up:
September: Be Late for Something Day (Sept. 5), Beer Days (Sept. 16-18), Big Whopper Liar Day (Sept. 18).
October: Mad Hatter Day (Oct. 6), National Kick Butt Day (Oct. 11), Worldwide Howl at the Moon Night (Oct. 26).
November: Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day (Nov. 14), World Toilet Day (Nov. 19), Stay Home Because You’re Well Day (Nov. 30).
December: Bathtub Party Day (Dec. 5), Cat Herders Day (Dec. 15), National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day (Dec. 16).
January: Fruitcake Toss Day (Jan. 9), National Hugging Day (Jan. 21), Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (Jan. 25).
February: Hula in the Coola Day (Feb. 1; a winter luau), Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day (Feb. 20; according to zanyholidays.com, one is supposed to “head out onto the street and yell ‘Hoodie Hoo!’ at high noon…to scare winter away”), Open That Bottle Night (Feb. 27).
March: Beer Day (March 1), Name Tag Day (March 5), Lips Appreciation Day (March 16).
April: St. Stupid’s Day (April 1; St. Stupid’s is observed in San Francisco with a silly costume parade), High Five Day (April 5), National Pot Smokers Day (April 20). Also on the Monday after Easter consider Dyngus Day, when, according to holidayinsights.com, members of the opposite sex get to engage in an all-out water war.
May: National Homebrew Day (May 1), National Two Different Colored Shoes Day (May 3), No Pants Day (May 4).
As you can see, Penn State students could be doing a whole lot more for the glory of Old State. You don’t keep that No. 1 Party School in the Nation ranking by resting on your laurels.
