“We have to win in November, or we’re not going to have Pennsylvania. They’ll change the name. They’re going to change the name of Pennsylvania.”
— Donald J. Trump
It’s true. A blue-ribbon commission has been meeting behind closed doors to rename the Keystone State. I know this because They, the chair of the commission, asked me to be one of the nominators.
Why me? Chairperson They didn’t want to tell me, at first, but eventually They confessed that my invitation was the result of a misunderstanding: They had wanted the commission to comprise “pillars of the community” from every region of the state, but the staffer charged with picking someone from PA’s midsection inadvertently googled “community column and Central Pennsylvania” instead of “community pillar” and my name came up. So did the Old Main colonnade, but Chairperson They thought I would be more flexible.
Despite the mix-up, They assured me that They would value my contributions to the renaming process so I have applied myself to the task with the same seriousness I bring to the writing of this pillar – er, column.
My first thought was that a major problem with the name Pennsylvania is that it connotes impermanence. After all, one can erase Pennsyl marks.
One obvious solution: Change the name to Penvania. Or, for a sharper break with the past, how about Permanentmarkervania or perhaps Indeliblemarkervania?
On the other hand, if we want to win over those who oppose a name change while simultaneously opening the door to corporate sponsorship, we could go with subtly changing our name to Pentelvania.
These were my initial thoughts. Then I decided a more inclusive process was called for, so I began combing the comment sections of news stories about former President Trump’s leak that a name change was in the offing. After all, the distinguished history of online commentary shows us that this is where the most serious-minded citizens give the great issues of our time the careful consideration they deserve.
A theme of several of these posts was that a new name should honor our state’s rich culinary traditions. Among the suggestions: Pretzelvania, Holy Stroehmann Empire, Hoagieland, Cheesesteakistan and Scrapplevania.
Inspired by these coinages, I came up with Utzylvania, Peepsylvania (our state being the birthplace of marshmallow chicks), Tastykakia, Heinzonia, Shooflyakia and Hersheyland as alternatives.
Aware that the Phillycentric tilt of some of these names would not sit well with Western Pennsylvanians, I proposed that we consider not just renaming the Commonwealth but splitting it in two, with the eastern half to be known henceforth as Yosylvania and the western half going by Yinzylvania.
Or, in recognition of the ever-expanding popularity of the NFL (as evidenced by the 138 million people who watched the Super Bowl — the most ever), the two new states can be called Iggleslandia and Stillerslandia.
Returning to the one-state solution, more than one commenter proposed that we follow the lead of our cousins across the pond who, inspired by Hooty McOwlface, an owl named through an Adopt-a-Bird program,” chose Boaty McBoatface when naming (per Wikipedia) a “lithium battery–powered autonomous underwater vehicles (AUVs) of the Autosub Long Range (ALR) class.” Their recommendation: Statey McStateface.
Two proposals emerged from the fertile minds of those who think a Trump defeat would signal the triumph of “the communists, Marxists, fascists and the radical left thugs that,” according to Trump, “live like vermin within the confines of our country.”
Should these forces triumph in November, these commenters believe a suitable name for Billy Penn’s turf would be Wokistan. Or Transylvania, where mandatory sex changes would become the law of the land.
Those in denial that such a sea change is taking place have gotten behind Pennsyltucky or (in a nod to James Carville’s famous formulation that Pennsylvania was Philly in the east, P’burgh in the west and a certain southern state in the middle) Northern Alabama.
Naturally, President Biden, a native Pennsylvanian, has strong feelings about these attempts to rename his home state.
“Look,” the president told reporters, “I believe we have to respect Pennsylvania’s right to self-determination as a sovereign Eastern European nation.”
At the conclusion of my research, I was surprised that nobody has suggested naming the state after Pennsylvania’s most famous native daughter, Time Magazine’s 2023 Person of the Year, she who single-handedly caused an earthquake in the Pacific Northwest last summer, and who, any minute now, as part of the plot that made Super Bowl champions of the Kelce City Chiefs, will endorse Joe Biden and thereby set in motion the name change that our commission will propose the day after Election Day.
Even as we speak, artists are brainstorming designs for the new billboards that will greet motorists entering our great state from New York, New Jersey, Ohio, West Virginia, Maryland and Delaware:
“Welcome to Swiftylvania.”
