CENTRE COUNTY — I will never forget the first night I spent alone in my own place as an adult.
After graduating from Penn State, I moved to Lancaster to work for the American Cancer Society and got a single-bedroom apartment by myself. On that first night, I was all alone. No family members in other bedrooms. No roommates in the dorms or the shared apartment. I was staying in my place, by myself. This had never happened before.
Growing up, I was the middle of five children so being alone was an uncommon occurrence and at Penn State, as I said, I shared a room or an apartment downtown with someone else. Consequently, this experience of being alone on my own was new to me.
On that first night in Lancaster, my cable TV wasn’t connected yet, so I couldn’t use the television as a distraction or a form of entertainment. Instead, I went to the mall to see a movie. I was one of only a handful of people in the theater, but it felt better than being alone in my apartment.
Over time, I slowly learned to live by myself. I befriended a wise older woman downstairs. I joined an aerobics class. Plus, my soon-to-be husband and I visited each other whenever we could. The loneliness began to wane as I connected with others. But, although I was learning to be alone, I did not know yet how to seek or appreciate solitude.
Since then, the next couple of decades have happened. I got married, gave birth to our two children, homeschooled our children and my husband started working from home. My learned skill of being alone was no longer needed as I definitely wasn’t lonely. However, I still didn’t know how to seek or appreciate solitude.
Once the kids began to be more independent, I took the opportunity to explore a few things I felt calling me. I enrolled in the Spiritual Direction for Spiritual Guides training program through Oasis Ministries in Camp Hill and was invited to begin taking solo retreats — going to a retreat center by myself without any formalized program of activities. Not for the purpose of being alone, but for the purpose of seeking solitude.
My first year in the program I went to the Bethany Retreat Center in Frenchville for a solitary weekend. I was afraid.
How would I fill my days? Would I be able to sleep at night? Could I remember my “being alone” skills, and would they be of any use in the woods?
However, by the end of the weekend, my fears were gone, and I felt more deeply grounded. I did not need my “being alone” skills. I appreciated the depth that came with the solitude. I liked this seeking solitude.
Since then, my relationship with solitude has continued to grow. I relish opportunities to turn down outside noise and spend time going deeper in myself. I believe as Trappist monk and writer, Thomas Merton said, “There is in all visible things an invisible fecundity, a dimmed light, a meek namelessness, a hidden wholeness.”
Solitude helps me connect with that hidden wholeness.
Our country is living in what is being called an epidemic of loneliness and isolation. Loneliness and solitude are two very different things. Loneliness is a feeling of disconnection. Solitude is a feeling of deeper connection within.
And when we lose a loved one, depending on our relationship with that person, loneliness often accompanies us. We’ve lost an important connection and need to find different ways of belonging with others. We also may feel drawn to determine how to belong to ourselves.
Belonging with others involves being vulnerable. Our various grief education and support programs offer safe spaces for those kinds of connections to occur. It takes courage to walk through the doors to our groups, and those who do recognize that they are not alone. The feeling of loneliness begins to decrease.
That does not mean participating in a group will magically wipe away loneliness. Making life good again after the death of someone we love is a journey through the wilderness. Our groups offer support along that journey.
As for seeking solitude, that is something we discuss in our groups while engaging in practices that help us go within. Group members often share the wisdom they’ve gained through solitude.
We invite you to an event that will decrease your loneliness and help you learn from people’s time with solitude at our annual “State of the Story and Learning to Live: What’s Your Story?” storytelling evening. At 7 p.m. on Monday, Feb. 17, at 3 Dots Downtown, a small group of storytellers will share about learning to live through loss. It will be a night you won’t forget.
In addition, you are invited to join us at the following gatherings:
- Virtual Monday’s Moments Gatherings, “Desire for Solitude” on Monday, Feb. 3, from noon to 1:30 p.m. on Zoom.
- Monday’s Moments at Millbrook Marsh in Partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Monday, Feb. 10, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Millbrook Marsh Nature Center, Donald Hamer Community Room, 548 Puddintown Road, State College.
- Med-Knit-ations: Knitting Our Hearts Back Together in Partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Tuesday, Feb. 11, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Millbrook Marsh Nature Center, Donald Hamer Community Room, 548 Puddintown Road, State College.
- Stories of Loss in Partnership with Juniper at Brookline on Tuesday, Feb. 11, and Tuesday, Feb. 25, from 4:30 to 6 p.m. at Juniper at Brookline, 1950 Cliffside Drive, State College.
- Death Cafe Virtual Gathering on Monday, Feb. 17, from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Zoom.
More information can be found on the Bereavement Gatherings and Events page under Resources on the Koch Funeral Home website. To reserve your spot and receive the invitation links, email Jackie@JackieHook.com, call 814-237-2712 or visit the Koch Funeral Home Facebook page.
Jackie Naginey Hook, MA, is a spiritual director, celebrant and end-of-life doula. She coordinates the Helping Grieving Hearts Heal program through Koch Funeral Home in State College. For more information, please call 814-237-2712 or visit kochfuneralhome.com.
