CENTRE COUNTY — We celebrated my mom’s 91st birthday last week. This was her first birthday since my dad’s death in March. Her first birthday without him after 68 and a half years of marriage — it’s important for me to state that half year because it mattered to my dad.
My mom has been inspiring me with her efforts to make her life good again without my dad, while also allowing herself to grieve. She’s fully participating in the dual process of grief.
When I asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday, she requested breakfast at The Waffle Shop, and a takeout dinner on our deck. My husband, son, and I were happy to oblige.
As our dinner on the deck was wrapping up, I brought out a chocolate cake with a nine and a one candle lit on top — no, we didn’t light 91 candles. We sang “Happy Birthday” and then there was a pause as my mom prepared to blow out the candles. I could see that she was really pondering her wish.
After a few moments, Mom was ready and the flames were extinguished. I was struck by her intentionality.
The night before that celebration, my husband and I enjoyed a dinner with longtime friends of mine. One of these friends and I had been in the same kindergarten class decades ago. I knew this friend and his wife had chosen a lifestyle of fulltime RVing, but I hadn’t ever had the chance to talk to him about it. When I asked him, he explained that important people in their lives had died, and they realized they didn’t want to put off doing things they wanted to do, like traveling around the United States and Canada. I was struck by their intentionality.
In my work with people around dying, death and grief, intentionality is such an important part of the healing journey. Surgeon and author, Dr. Atul Gawande, encourages people to think about the question, “What makes a really good day?” This question helps us be intentional.
Considering what makes a really good day is important as we near the end of our lives and have to make decisions about our care. Our answer helps us focus on how we can live fully until our last breath. We can focus on how we want to spend our time and what kind of medical treatments help us do that.
The question is also important to consider throughout our lives so that we pay attention to what matters most. This includes when we’re grieving. Although it may be challenging to experience really good days when we’re in the midst of our grief, considering increments of a really good day can help. For example, finding things that bring us comfort can be a start, as can ways to move our grief from the inside to the outside.
I frequently have the privilege of witnessing the healing power of the intentionality of “What makes a really good day?”
It happens when people tell me how their grief was lessened by knowing they did what they could to give their loved ones as many really good days as possible before their deaths. These people had meaningful and often challenging conversations in advance so that they knew what those amazing days would look like.
For one family, this included recording their patriarch describing a good day and then playing that recording at his memorial service. The recording made it obvious that this man’s life was full of good days. This was healing for those in attendance.
Being intentional — like this family, my mom and my longtime friend — helps us make really good days and helps us heal. You are invited to join us at the following upcoming gatherings where our conversations help participants find their own really good days:
- Stories of Loss in Partnership with Juniper at Brookline on Tuesday, Oct. 8, and Tuesday, Oct. 22, from 4:30 to 6:00 p.m. at Juniper at Brookline, 1950 Cliffside Drive, State College.
- Virtual Monday’s Moments Gatherings, “Serenading Comfort” on Monday, Oct. 14, from noon to 1:30 p.m. on Zoom.
- Monday’s Moments at Sunset Park in Partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Monday, Oct. 21. from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Sunset Park, Pavilion #2, 850 McKee Street, State College.
- Death Café Virtual Gathering on Monday, Oct. 21, from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Zoom.
- Med-Knit-ations: Knitting Our Hearts Back Together in Partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Tuesday, Oct. 29, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Tom Tudek Park, Pavilion #2, 400 Herman Drive, State College.
More information can be found on the “Bereavement Gatherings and Events” page under “resources” on the Koch Funeral Home website. To reserve your spot and receive the invitation links, email Jackie@JackieHook.com, call 814-237-2712 or visit the Koch Funeral Home Facebook page.
Jackie Naginey Hook, MA, is a spiritual director, celebrant and end-of-life doula. She coordinates the Helping Grieving Hearts Heal program through Koch Funeral Home in State College. For more information, please call 814-237-2712 or visit kochfuneralhome.com.
