CENTRE COUNTY — A few months ago, I was sitting in one of our grief education and support gatherings, a gathering of people grieving the loss of loved ones. As we went around the room, each participant shared a little of the story that brought them to the meeting, and we talked about their grief journeys.
One woman raised her hand and asked how she could make her family members feel better after the accidental death of a relative. She described being on the receiving end of phone calls with much crying, and she wanted to help. Her family was in such pain, and she wanted to do something to make things better.
She was looking for an answer that would help her family members “get over” their grief. Except it’s a question without an answer.
What she learned from the group is that sometimes the best we can do is just be there while others cry. We can’t take away their pain, but we can be present, listen, ask questions and learn.
It is hard to watch people we care about go through pain. It is natural to want to fix things. Unfortunately, there is no one way to fix grief because, really, there is no fixing grief at all; there is only healing. The grief itself is the healing.
Grief is as unique as our fingerprints. It is different for each loss and can be affected by the type of loss, the relationship with the individual, life experiences and countless other factors. Although we all want to fix grief and learn the steps to do so, an attitude of humility around grief is often most helpful.
The word humility comes from the Latin word humilitas, related to one who is “grounded” or “near to the earth.” Humilitas is also derived from humus, the Latin word for earth and the root of the word human. Humility is about what it means to be human. It reminds us to be grounded, authentic and recognize that we don’t have all the answers.
On the What’s Your Grief website, Litsa Williams recommends grief humility over grief competence and grief literacy, noting “In contrast to the structured approach of grief competence, grief humility embraces the complexity of grief by encouraging open-ended conversations, active listening and an ongoing commitment to learning.
It acknowledges that grief cannot be “mastered” in the traditional sense but requires a continuous process of understanding and adapting to the diverse needs and experiences of each individual griever, needs and experiences that will continue to evolve across time.”
Grief humility means we recognize we won’t have all the answers for ourselves or others. Instead, we open our hearts and minds, listen, ask questions, learn and adapt. My daughter is very good at this. When I’m upset about something, she asks me how she can best support me in that moment. If I’m in the middle of my raw, human grief, I sometimes don’t even know the answer to that question, but it still feels good that she has cared for me in that way.
Grief changes every day and our humility leaves room for that. What might feel helpful one day doesn’t always the next. And what is helpful to one person might not be to another. A few years ago, the What’s Your Grief staff asked their readers to share examples of “the best and worst things anyone has said to them in their grief” and found that some phrases appeared on both lists.
So when people ask me how they can best support someone who is grieving, my answers aren’t easy, one-size-fits-all remedies. Instead, my answers encourage them to become lifelong practitioners of grief humility.
You are invited to join us at the following gatherings where we practice grief humility.
- Virtual Monday’s Moments Gatherings, “Rising Together” on Monday, Aug. 5, from noon to 1:30 p.m. on Zoom
- Med-Knit-ations: Knitting Our Hearts Back Together in partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Tuesday, Aug. 13, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Tudek Park, Pavilion 2, 400 Herman Drive, State College
- Stories of Loss in partnership with Juniper at Brookline on Tuesday, Aug. 13, and Tuesday, Aug. 27, from 4:30 to 6 p.m. at Juniper at Brookline, 1950 Cliffside Drive, State College.
- Monday’s Moments at Sunset Park in partnership with Centre Region Parks & Recreation on Monday, Aug. 19, from noon to 1:30 p.m. at Sunset Park, Pavilion 2, 850 McKee St., State College
- Death Cafe Virtual Gathering on Monday, Aug. 19, from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. on Zoom
More information can be found on the Bereavement Gatherings and Events page under Resources on the Koch Funeral Home website. To reserve your spot and receive the invitation links, email Jackie@JackieHook.com, call 814-237-2712, or visit the Koch Funeral Home Facebook page.
Jackie Naginey Hook is a spiritual director, celebrant and end-of-life doula. She coordinates the Helping Grieving Hearts Heal program through Koch Funeral Home in State College. For more information, please call 814-237-2712 or visit kochfuneralhome.com.
