By JOHN VALENTIK
This month was the first time I hesitated writing about a fathering topic. That’s because
my last article emphasized the importance of following through with what you say and this
month represents at least a possible repercussion of said action. Recently, my daughter
Charlotte told me over consecutive days that she likes Mommy better than me. While she was
three at the time and me as a grown man knows better, these short interactions crushed every
ounce of me down to a pulp and partly to tears.
These interactions weren’t even in the heat of the moment which was even more
alarming. Sheepishly, I shared this in a recent meeting with my fellow fathers in this writing
group. The responses I received were not only validating, they were on point. Two powerful
things were shared. First, my daughter felt comfortable enough with me as her father to share
something displaying a preference of one parent over the other. While my wife and I both
agreed that in the context, Charlotte didn’t really know what she was articulating, it was still
impactful to think about. Second, similar to my last article about integrity, I should continue to do
what feels right, not what feels good.
While the rest of the reflection is up to me, I wanted to share a few takeaways for fellow
parents out there.
● Create a safe enough space for your children that they are comfortable telling you
anything. It may result in feelings of disappointment, anger, frustration or sadness, but
the trust and bond it cultivates is priceless.
● In challenging situations, listen to your gut. While we may not always know exactly how
to handle a situation, in more cases than not, we just need the courage to act on what
we know is right.
● This one might be a shot to the ego or draw some butterflies in your stomach. Talk to
people you trust and respect for advice, or just to lend an ear and help you sort things
out. If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
John Valentik is an Assistant Teaching Professor at Penn State and owner of Happy Valley
Wellness Solutions. As a writer for the local fathering effort and in cooperation with the National
Center for Fathering, we aim to provide monthly Action Ideas to stimulate conversation among
families. To comment on this article, for more information or to join local conversations, contact
John Valentik at jgv5002@psu.edu.
