OK, I give up. Joe’s gotta go.
The past six-and-a-half years just haven’t worked out:
A 67-20 record, two Big Ten titles, two Big Ten Offensive Players of the Year (both were quarterbacks, so let’s get rid of Jay, too), and a nation-leading 14 Academic All-Americans.
Let’s call it:
After 46 years, The Grand Experiment just isn’t working. And that 7-1 record this season? They haven’t played anyone. (So were those phantom squads that 644,207 people watched Penn State play the past eight weeks?)
And coaching from the booth? Who does he think he is? Sixty-two years with one employer, hurt on the job and now he wants to come back to work early and ask for a concession or two. C’mon, Joe.
I have 10 guys who are ready to replace Joe Paterno. Right now. Somehow, unbelievably, they’re available. Curley and Spanier can hire them this instant, to be consultants watching video replays in the coaches booth – one candidate even has that on his resume. Or maybe as coaches in waiting. You know, “back-up coaches,” as Paterno so quaintly calls them.
You’ll notice that Scrap and Jay aren’t on the list. Why not? No experience — at least not like the guys noted below.
Here are my tainted Top 10 JoePa replacements – they’re a handful of the 888 college football coaches who have been hired and fired since Paterno became Penn State’s head football coach in 1966:
10. Bob Toledo, age 65.
Lucky break for PSU. Recently available! He quit at Tulane on Oct. 18, 2011, with a 2-5 record. Ignore that tiny five-year gap after the UCLA job. Cal-Riverside, 1974-75 (15-6); University of the Pacific, 1979-82 (14-30); UCLA, 1996-2002 (49-32); Tulane, 2007-2011 (15-40). Overall: 93-108.
9. Mike Locksley, 41.
Also new on the market. Fired by New Mexico this season after a not-as-bad-as-it-looks 0-4 record. He served a one-game suspension for punching an assistant in 2009. (And Mike McQueary thinks he has it tough.) And the sexual assault claim by a former administrative assistant was settled out of court, so no problem there. New Mexico State, 2009-2011 (2-26).
8. Randy Shannon, 45.
Hey, get a grip. All that scummy stuff Yahoo! Sports uncovered about Nevin Shaprio and the dozens of Miami (Fla.) football players was not reported until after Shannon was fired by The U. What? It all happened on his watch? Oh…never mind. Miami (Fla.), 2007-2010 (28-22).
7. Bill Stewart, 59.
Those reports at VMI, saying he allegedly made alleged racist remarks about an African-American, were never proven. And those stories out of West Virginia in the offseason, when he supposedly asked a newspaper reporter to dig up dirt on coach-in-waiting Dana Horgenson? Well, never really proven. He did resign, instead of being fired, so Bill’s record is clean. VMI, 1994-1996 (8-25); West Virginia University, 2007-2010 (28-12). Overall: 36-37.
6. Michael Haywood, 47.
Miami of Ohio is a tough place to win, and he did go 10-15 overall – an amazing switch from 1-11 in 2009 to 9-4 in 2010. It was almost as dramatic as the turnaround from Dec. 16, 2010 to Jan. 1, 2011, when Pitt fired him after 16 days on the job, after Haywood was charged with domestic violence. Miami (Ohio), 2009-2010 (10-15).
5. Urban Meyer, 47
You knew you would find Urban on a list to replace Joe. Just not this one. Most stories about Meyer succeeding Paterno don’t note that he quit Florida twice in two years, had 30 Gator players arrested in six seasons or has a habit of leaving jobs – his three head coaching stops lasted two, two and six seasons. Pales, a bit, to Joe’s six-plus decades in one place. Bowling Green, 2001-2002 (17-6), Utah, 2003-2004 (22-2), Florida, 2006-2010 (65-13). Overall: 104-23, two national titles.
4. Mike Leach, 50
He sued Texas Tech – and lost. Repeatedly. He did or did not send Craig James’ son into a dark shed after he suffered a concussion. He’s colorful! Texas Tech, 2000-2009 (84-43).
3. Rich Rodriguez, 48
He knows the Big Ten. Loves to practice. Doesn’t like Lloyd Carr. Other than those NCAA sanctions he left behind in Ann Arbor, what’s not to like? Salem, 1988 (2-8); Glenville State, 1990-96 (43-28-2); West Virginia University, 2001-2007 (60-26); Michigan, 2008-2010 (15-22). Overall: 120-84-2.
2. Butch Davis, 59
Hey, a bonus! He has pro experience – at Miami (Fla.) – and semi-pro experience — with the Cleveland Browns. That’ll come in handy when the NCAA starts paying players. He won four bowl games with the ‘Canes, and even won at North Carolina, a basketball school. But let’s not talk about all those wins in 2008 and 2009 that the NCAA made UNC vacate. Miami (Fla.), 1995-2000 (51-20); Cleveland Browns, NFL, 2001-2004 (24-35); North Carolina, 2007-2010 (28-23). Overall college: 63-43 (vacated wins not included).
1. Jim Tressel, 58
They called him The Senator. Some people once tried to get Joe Paterno to actually run for governor. See, they’re so much alike! I wonder how much Matt McGloin could get for his No. 11 jersey. Does Scranton have a tattoo parlor? Youngstown State, 1986-2000 (135-57-2); Ohio State, 2001-2010 (94-22). Overall: 229-79-2, two national championships – and some of his players have the rings to prove it!
